The Boyfriend Hunt: The Primative Mating Dance

Or as society calls it: grinding

G' Morning lovers,

Yes, as I’ve recently discovered, coming into America, their cultural dance of choice is the Grind.

What is this Grind?

Well, simple, really. It’s the process of the male coming up from behind a female during a tribal get-together. The male places his hands dominantly on the female’s hips and presses her hips with his, moving them together in sync. The male may try to run his hands to more secure territories, and it is up to the female of the tribe to accept or reject his offer of mating.

Alright, alright, I’ll end with all this Natural Geographic bullshit and get straight to the point.

I do not like grinding.

Why? Its sexy, steamy, and hot, and wild, blah blah blah

Yes, but its also a stranger who you’ve never spoken to, coming up behind where you cannot even tell if they are  male and grabbing yours hips, almost thrusting their pelvises on to your anus.

On few occasions, the sweeter ones will ask before slightly molesting you with their hips and hands.

Since when did sex with your clothes on become the new thing? When did creativity and the slight tease of an intimate dance get thrown out the window and replaced by almost-sexual intercourse?

All of a sudden I’m supposed to smile and say ‘oh she’s a good dancer’ when I see a girl who’s leg has been wrapped around a guy’s waist, tackling him to the wall with her love handles?

I wish I can dry hump like that. Oh yeah.

for kicks, I'm throwing in this lovely picture I googled of Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise doing the Grind. 

Let me make clear that this is the older and less 'aggressive' version of the dance. However, I must include that the tagline for this photo was: "Having a 'Grind' old time"

Anyways,

The reason this rant is going into my boyfriend hunt journal is because, honestly, what kind of mate are you promised by accepting this ritual, tedious dance? Probably one that won’t stay past 8:00 a.m.

    Realize that drunken faux-sex dance will not lead to happily ever after.

Till whenever,

            The Huntress